Adventures of Izzy Willard

INTRODUCTION

This is a true story. Seriously. Don’t believe me? Well, have you ever scoured the forest looking for a tribe of overgrown hairy people with enormous feet? 

Probably never. 

How about the secret story of the Chaun Family? This European family of bankers trace their ancestral lineage all the way back to 1234 AD. The year their ancient ancestor cracked the alchemy code that turned lead into gold. They currently run one of the world’s largest hedge funds with a portfolio that invests in both lead and gold markets.

Then there’s the story about the software tech billionaire who spends his spare time hacking your personal computer. Referred to on the darkweb as >:{ or ‘the_gremlin’. He uses his software and apps, to anonymously hack into people’s cloud accounts, where he then makes small adjustments, to documents, like adding, or deleting commas. The changes seem trivial but they drive grammarians nuts.  

It all sounds like fake news but without doing a little hard-nosed research yourself how do you know which of these stories are true? 

In fact, a sasquatch might even be living in your building or working security at your favourite nightclub right now. There might even be a whole tribe of these big footed creatures managing a multimillion dollar organic farm.

Now, these stories might sound like pure fiction but they happened exactly as reported by Izzy Willard. She proved it. You are more than welcome to do the research to refute it. BTW:  googling isn’t research. 

Enjoy this weird tale.

CHAPTER 1

What brought Izzy Willard to Toronto, Ontario? 

The Sasquatch. There are still 8.7 million species still unaccounted for  (National Geographic 2011) — despite mankind’s best efforts. Although biologists do not officially recognize the species as real, clans of sasquatch exist all over the world. That’s right, the sasquatch, yeti, wendigo is real. But is it that hard to believe? Every myth, whisper, and shaky video footage is one more species yet to be properly documented. The Rocky Mountains alone are home to exactly 15 sasquatch clans. But only one managed to leverage humanity’s agricultural and digital technology to a point where they are a significant player in the organic food market. Nestled next to Washington’s Muddy River, rests Ape Valley home to Footprint Organic Farms Limited. Their specialty is fresh produce, triple distilled bourbon and the world’s only supplier of sasquatch milk. It was rebranded as Truffle Milk after market research revealed a positive alignment with millennials.

But isn’t Ape Valley, Washington almost 4,200 kms away from Toronto, Ontario? It is! What brings Izzy Willard to Canada’s largest metropolitan city are reports of a unique sasquatch that altered his appearance enough to hide-in-plain-sight. She believes this particular sasquatch is the first step to bridging the gap between the bigfoot and us regular footed humans.  

Izzy Wllard is a journalist and co-founder of Weirdtailz Magazine. It’s her job to separate fact from fiction, myth from reality. It also helps that she has a very long tail with telepathic powers. Think of it as a lightning rod for weird thoughts. A divining rod for truth. According to Izzy, it’s also kinda the worst. But her tail does help her uncover the weird things you always knew existed but never bothered to prove. After all, it gave her the inside scoop that led to humanity’s first official (and soon to be released) documented encounter with the sasquatch.

Izzy TrueFact#1:  

Her tail is 3.14m long. 

How does this superpower of hers work? Think of it like augmented reality but there’s only one channel:  The Weird. Imagine there is a yappy dog in a public park that is never on a leash and always bites your ankle every other day. After the 20th encounter, you start to wonder if it would be weird to kick that dog clear across a football field. If Izzy was standing next to you, a little screen would automatically pop inside her head displaying exactly how that scene would play out. Does this mean you kicked the dog or thought about it? Hard to say. Before Izzy can uncover the facts around the case, she needs to tap into her other superpower:  journalism! It allows her to tell the difference between what actually happened instead of eavesdropping on someone's weird thoughts and desires.

Here is a better example. Imagine Izzy is standing on a busy street corner, and next to her is a sous chef holding a cardboard box. Moments ago Izzy watched him trap a pigeon inside that box — you know, the city kind that’ll look you square in the eye but then you realize it has a weird disease and that’s not an eye — yes, those kinds of pigeons. That’s what is inside the sous chef’s cardboard box. Izzy’s special power allows her to visualize exactly what he plans to do with it. 

Flash. The image comes into focus. It’s a close-up of the sous chef standing in front of a table at his Michelin star restaurant. A well-dressed couple applaud as he reveals a delicately roasted bird next to a medley of root vegetables and pommes aligot. 

“VOILÀ!” Says the sous chef proudly. 

So far, Izzy’s research revealed the dinner special at this fine dining establishment is called ”L'OISEAU SALE”. Dirty Bird for those who don’t speak le francais. She also discovered that the sous chef is a big fan of the French Revolution. 

What’s the name of the restaurant? Until Izzy can spend more time checking the facts, she is not at liberty to divulge that information. 

CHAPTER 2

So where does one find a sasquatch in a city as large as Toronto? You start by looking 6 floors up... on the top floor of a beautifully renovated industrial loft in the Distillery District. Did I mention that Footprint Farms is a multi-million dollar company?

Izzy TrueFact#2:  

The tip of her tail is 3.14mm in diameter, and it’s strong enough to knock on doors. 

Knock. Knock. Knock. 

“Who is it?” Came a low booming voice from behind the door.

“Hi! My name is Izzy Willard and I’m looking for a sasquatch.”

The door opens slowly. Now, Izzy is no slouch but she looks like a child compared to this guy. Without skipping a beat, Izzy waves hello. Her long tail mimics her hand behind her. She smiles proudly. Her search is finally over. 

“Sorry, lady. But there is no such thing as sas... is that a tail?! Get in here before the neighbours see!”

Works every time.  

The sasquatch and Izzy sit across from each other. His human alias is Jay Sasky, Canada’s only distribution representative for Footprint Farms Ltd. — and he is a big dude. Even the way he sits down reminded Izzy of a tree slowly falling in a forest. Crash. Down went Jay on a large kidney-shaped green velvet sofa. It looked more like an armchair. Izzy couldn’t help but ogle at Jay’s industrial loft. She made a note to include Jay in WeirdTailz Magazine’s Spring Homes Feature. Inside, all the furniture was custom made to fit his size, which means business at Footprint Organic Farms must be pretty good. Izzy squirrels herself into an enormous wingback chair. In one hand she holds a pen, in the other her trusty notepad. The tape recorder rests on the table with the red light on. 

She wasted no time getting to work. “So tell me a bit about yourself, and let’s start with this place. Rent or own?”

“This is mine. The ceilings aren’t as high as my place back home but it works. Other than that, there isn’t much to know about me. I’m just a normal human guy from a small American town living in the big city,” stated Jay plainly, not sure if he should completely trust Izzy -- despite her tail. 

“Bullshit,” said Izzy in her matter-of-fact way. “I’ve been to Footprint Organic Farms and your Aunty Karen told me all about her crazy nephew who moved to ‘Toronto Mountain’ to live among the regular humans.”

“Dammit, Aunt Karen...” whispered Jay under his breath. “And I don’t know if having a tail that waves hello puts you in the ‘regular human’ category.”

“True. So speaking from one special human to another, how about I show you my next trick?” Asked Izzy, quickly wrapping her tail around the Sasquatches leg.

“Whoa! That’s not okay. Wait a ...” Jay was both confused and creeped out. Then with a feeling of deja vu he started thinking about his last visit to the electrologist.

That’s another cool thing about Izzy’s other superpower. The second her tail touched Jay’s skin a psychic screen popped up above the sasquatch’s head. The colours, images, hues, contrast and even smells of the memory are only as clear to Izzy as it is for the person remembering it. She’s seen it all from black and white to fully rendered 3D environments.  For those on the receiving end, the whole thing plays out like a recent memory. She stares intently at the imaginary screen taking notes. 

A sasquatch’s memory is a bit different from a human’s memory. Izzy is amazed at how lively and vivid the details are. She can actually count the number of branches on the tree in the reception office. Normally these kinds of details fade and blur together like the image from an old tube television, but this was 4K high-definition quality. As the memory shifted she saw Jay lying naked under a sheet on a large reclining chair. She can’t help but stare at the huge feet sticking out from under a sheet, toenail claws and all. Then she watched the electrologist emerge over him wearing a surgical mask holding a hair removing laser gun. Izzy could smell a combination of sage, essential oil and burnt hair.  Zap! Zap! Zap! Fleewff. Fleewff. Fleewff. Mounds of hair flew in every direction, adding to an enormous pile of fur on the floor. 

“Wow!” Said Izzy. “They only managed to do the face, neck and thin out the chest and arms? Your legs and back must still be a forest.”

Remembering this moment was weird enough for Jay, and now Izzy was narrating the play-by-play. Before he could say anything, his memory shifted to his trip to the dentist. All he kept thinking about was how weird the dentist was about capping a simple fang.

“And you have one hell of a brave dentist,” said Izzy.

“It helps having a fantastic dental plan,” replied Jay, no longer confused by the tail wrapped around his leg.

Being a sasquatch, Jay has seen a few things in this world but Izzy Willard’s ability to read his mind was something else. 

“You know, for a journalist you don’t ask many questions,” he said.

“Alright then,” Izzy looks Jay straight in the eye. “How’s your love life?”

“Why don’t you tell me?”

“I would if I could, but you’re not that kinda weird.”

Izzy TrueFact#3:  

Her tail has exactly 314 bones.

CHAPTER 3

The sasquatch’s door closes behind Izzy. She stands in the hallway feeling extremely pleased with herself. Although Jay was a bit hesitant to come forward, he agreed to meet her at St. Lawrence Market tomorrow at 4p.m. to discuss things further. Izzy could hardly contain herself with excitement. With Jay literally adding a human face to her exclusive, the world was now only weeks away from learning the truth about the sasquatch. 

The elevator door opened and Izzy stepped inside as her cell phone began to ring. It was Nigel again. 

Who is he? Nigel Grundleson, associate editor and staff writer for Weirdtailz Magazine. He is an award-winning hard-nosed journalist who runs the day-to-day publishing of WeirdTailz Magazine for way too much money. The magazine’s constant practice of publishing stories without substantial evidence about outrageous stories constantly pushes his journalistic integrity to the test. Readers often recognize his bi-line as "Staff Writer". For the first time since he started working at the magazine, he had a real breaking news story with actual proof! His thinking: Nigel Grundleson, Pulitzer Prize Winner. He needed to make sure Izzy didn’t screw up this once in a lifetime opportunity for him.

“Hey, Nyge!” said Izzy over the phone. She knows he hates it when people call him that, but he’s never actually come out to correct her. The elevator stopped halfway down. The doors opened and a mother and her son walked inside. Her tail was already tucked away before getting on to the elevator. Standard practice. Izzy was trying to be discreet about revealing Jay Sasky’s true identity in front of his neighbours, but Nigel was being very Nigel on the phone. 

“Yes. I met him...” Izzy said over the phone. “Well he hasn’t officially agreed yet. No he didn’t sign-off, but... Yeah. I know. Look, can you just... Ummm...I need a bit more time to... Look. Nyge. Stop worrying... We found our sasquatch!” 

The kid’s eyes lit-up. “See Mom! Told ya so!” He said, pulling on his mother’s summer dress.

Izzy hung up the phone in a huff. Nigel was the worst, but she needed his expertise to make sure this exclusive doesn’t find itself on another fake news website. 

Izzy TrueFact#4:  

Her tail senses weird thoughts up to 3.14 meters away.

Leaving the building, Izzy made her way toward Toronto’s Queen Street West. The sun was setting, cooling off the city after a hot summer’s day. Her tail was wrapped high around her umbrella -- it isn’t raining. Another cool thing about her tail is that it can act as a radio antenna for the weird. The higher she extends her tail the more range she receives. The umbrella doesn’t help amplify her telepathic ability, but it does help disguise a very long tail sticking straight up in the air. 

Izzy TrueFact#5:  

She hates pies — especially pizza.

Suddenly dozens of screens lit-up above the heads of all the random strangers that walked by. Each screen revealed a different thought. Some were true. Others were fantasy. It was all weird.

Izzy let out a loud sigh thinking,  ‘And here I thought New York was weird. Good job, Toronto.’